Wazuuuuuup! We Were Cool (or So We Thought).

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I realized something a few days ago. I’m 24. That’s only one year away from 25—and only six years away from 30. How the eff did I get here? There’s been a wave of ’90s trends coming back into vogue lately, which makes me a little nostalgic for my own teenage craziness.

I’m a late ’80s baby, which means I went to elementary school when the clashing neons, scrunchies and bright red lipstick of the early ’90s ruled high schools everywhere. I sported every ’90s DON’T possible before I hit fifth grade, save the makeup stuff. And there are pictures. Save me.

By the time I was a teenager, these fads had bit the dust in favor of earth tones, low-rise bell bottoms, and platform clogs. I’ll admit that I dove into these trends with abandon, particularly low-rise jeans and clogs.* Still, I’m glad tops lengthened a tad, or I’d have this Levis commercial running through my head every time I dress!

Who thought that up? And who approved it??

And who decided that the boxy crop top/low rise combination gets to escape the fashion hell from whence it came?

I was all over the map in high school, even dabbling briefly in Avril Lavigne’s skater look. My mom and I raided the thrift store for ties to wear (over t-shirts and hand-me-down bell bottoms. Thank God there’s no photographic evidence of that!), which came in pretty handy when my Lyon friends and I decided to all wear ties every Tuesday for a few months one year:

I'm the rebel using a tie as a belt :)

I can’t really regret trying these things out, since junior high and high school are all about finding yourself and blah, blah, blah. And who’s to say that one day I won’t remember all the shabby chic-boho outfits I’m so delighted with now and mentally smack my forehead?

*In my defense, I thought the clogs made me look taller. I was plugged right at 4’11”/5’0” until I turned 15 and had a six month-long growth spurt.

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Mostly Heatless Curls: My Most Successful Experiment Yet

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Sometimes…I get tired of having all-over-the-place-curly ringlets. They’re cute and suit my personality pretty well, but sometimes I want something a little more structured and bouncy—preferably without frying my hair with a curling iron. My hair senses curling irons and probably thinks something along the lines of “DEATH TO ARTIFICIAL CURLS!!” Even stylists have trouble getting my hair to cooperate with heat, so I don’t feel quite so bad when my hair rebels and goes limper than a cranky three-year-old when confronted with curling irons (the only thing keeping my prom hairstyle in place was almost a whole bottle of hair spray…and more than a few prayers) or gets weird kinks in it where the real curl wants to go one way and the styled curl wants to go another. And yes, my hair does this even when I blow it out straight. What can I say? My hair is a bad ass with authority issues.

I have NO idea what click sequence led me to The Fierce Glamour’s blog entry. It’s probably more important that I happened across it at 11:30 at night; I’m responsible for neither the things that come out of my mouth nor the things that I do to my hair that late at night. Some weeeird stuff has seemed like an excellent idea at 11:30—at least until I had to spend thirty minutes the next morning combing out tangles leftover from the previous night’s adventures.

Anyway, TFG’s post popped up somewhere along my path through the internets, and since the how-to involved neither heat nor hair spray nor bobby pins, I decided to give it a go!

(Isn’t her accent great? I can’t quite peg it, but someone let me know if you can!)

The whole process took about twenty minutes, mostly because I was finicky about how things were placed and general neatness…even though I was pretty sure sleep would frizz out and otherwise destroy the headband-bound proto-curls.

Turns out, though, that this works! See?

Also, note the Hermione hair in #1...

The headband I used is black, which doesn't really show against my hair, so I used my sparkle-happy-Kasey band to show proper placement in #3.

I cheated a little and did a quick pass with my straightener to get most of my natural curl out, to keep the curls from fighting each other, and cheated again with a light mist of hairspray after I’d finished. It was totally worth it. I’m loving these curls!

This isn’t something I’d do during the day, because that headband across my forehead just looked weird to me. That’s one hippie-boho trend that I am happy to ignore.

*Collage via bighugelab’s photo-mosaic maker

**I realized recently that I’ve not been using alt-text wit to its full advantage. The above collage seeks to remedy that lack. I hope.

Aside

Class Act

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During my daily foray through Yahoo’s news section, I found a story about a teaser trailer for Tony Romo’s wedding video—if you don’t already know, I love weddings: wedding videos, wedding pictures…weddings make me happy. I don’t keep up with football, so I’ve not really got any baggage that might have predisposed me to breathe internet fire at the mention of Tony Romo’s name. All I saw was a freakishly well-polished three minute excerpt with lots of pretty visuals and a big, delighted grin on the guy’s face when he finally saw his soon-to-be Mrs. coming up the aisle. I thought Coldplay’s “Fix You” was a strange choice for background music, but who am I to judge?

Normally I ignore the comments, but my trackpad did something wonky and scrolled the screen down to a whole rash of troll sightings. Every other post was a crack about his messy hair and stubble; apparently not shaving and not getting a hair cut for his wedding makes Tony Romo an inconsiderate jerk. Even the ones gushing about how beautiful the wedding must have been and congratulating him mentioned how declassé it was to leave even a hint of five o’clock shadow.

Whatever. Maybe Candice has the same sexy scruff fixation that I do. Or maybe that was a battle she just chose not to pick. If he gave on something that was important to her, it seems fair to let him have the final decision on that, at least.

Honestly, I think scruff and (the groom’s) hair will be the last things on my mind when I’m getting married—though I’m not above working my preference for a two-day beard into conversations ahead of time. ;)

Maxi Dress; Blunt Bangs

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Glo is one of my favorite sites to browse when I’m bored, but don’t feel like actually getting up and doing something productive (like cleaning, comps reading, & etc.). I came across a story —”I Love My Body, Hate My Legs“—a few hours ago that got me thinking.  The catalyst for the whole thing: the writer’s *grandmother* telling her that her legs are fat.

I did a double-take after reading that. It’s not the sort of statement I typically associate with grandmothers. It seems so much more cutting coming from her than, say, from a friend or a stranger at the gym. It wasn’t even meant to be hurtful, though. B’s grandmother clearly wanted to help her granddaughter improve her quality of life, vis à vis her physical appearance.

My own grandmothers did (and still do) offer advice, but more along the lines of standing up straight to project an air of confidence, or looking the world dead in the eye and taking it by the horns. Either they figure I’m as pretty as I’m going to get, or they recognize that I can get just as far and do just as well with attitude as I can with appearances. Or maybe I’ve just got superbly polite grandmothers who prefer to just stuff me with food so I can move from “freakishly skinny” to “fashionably slim.” There’s always  lots of food on offer at my grandparents’ houses.  They never actually say anything about it, though.

Granted, I’ve got my share of physical insecurities (One doctor told my mother that I was the most knock-kneed child he’d ever seen. Jerk.), but neither my mother nor my aunts nor my grandmothers ever mentioned them to me, or suggested ways to skirt around them and make myself fit better into physical norm.

Way to almost give me a complex, dude. Betcha didn't plan on your patient having super-bat hearing when you pulled my mother aside.*

They’re nothing but supportive when I go through phases like insisting on wearing horizontal stripes to make myself look wider across, or always having ringlets in front of my rather prominent ears (ironically, they’re not actually very big…they just stick out at a crazy angle), or keeping my bangs blunt-cut across my ginourmous forehead even though it might not be the best look for my face shape.

Yep, hiding under there is a four-finger forehead.

We all have our own idiosyncratic coping mechanisms. I have blunt bangs. B wore maxi dresses for a long time after her grandmother’s private chat.  Still, I’ll bet that completely random couple telling her that she had great legs must have made for a fabulous night.

*Photo credit: Adrienne.Paris.Photographs via Flickr

Things I Would Have Texted You

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Dear Courtney,

These are things I would have texted you about had you not been off-grid for a week:

1. I am *ninja*! Just switched from one “Family Guy” episode to the next on Netflix WITH MY TOES. Yeah.

2. SO glad I decided not to speed today. I never knew cops hid on those roads; sucks for all those people I saw pulled over, tho.

3. Dear Visigoths: If you starved a city into surrendering, why, in the name of everything holy, would you get mad and sack said city when you don’t find any food in it??

4. Trying to boil pasta after chugging a bottle of Sierra Nevada is a *bad* plan. That is all.

5. Just discovered that chow mein noodles are fan-freakin’-tastic on my special pasta recipe. I am probably going to have the weirdest pregnancy cravings ever.

6. I just shocked the pants off my mother by using “bastardized” in conversation. If I’d known this, I would have used it a million times when I was feeling rebellious and trying to get a rise out of her ;)

7. So, did I ever tell you about the time that I “explored” pretty much ALL of downtown Charlotte EXCEPT the three streets I needed to get to my hotel? And by “explored,” I really mean “got hopelessly lost before stumbling onto the  right street.” Stupid street closings.

8. Wow. It’s really effing hot out there. WTF, Weather?? It’s not July yet!

9. Dude! Some guy just whistled at me and then cussed me out when I didn’t immediately yell back, “Take me, you sexy He-man beast!” Jerk. I have

10. IIIIIIII have an ottoooomaannnnn!! I’ve also had two bottles of Hornsby’s with my pizza, ’cause it’s my birthday!

25 Things You (Probably) Don’t Know About Me

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1. Singing in a choir is both my most and least favorite thing; I’m so worried about screwing up during concerts that I forget to just chill and enjoy the music.

2. I’m pretty sure my stage fright doesn’t help, either.

3. Ludwig van Beethoven has the dubious distinction of being the only composer whose music I will blast at full volume. The 9th may spell the end of my crazy-awesome hearing, but it’s totally worth it.

4. I read somewhere that the goosebump-y feeling you get during an awesome piece of music is actually your skin having a mini-orgasm. I like that concept so much that I’m going to refer to those goosebumps as such even after it’s totally discredited.

5. I get fewer “So…you’re going to teach with that degree, right?”-type comments as a history major than I did as a Spanish major—which is amusing, because Spanish majors have a gazillion more options open to them.

6. I watch TV/movies and read books for sheer escapism; as such, I loathe dystopian or pessimistic (or even realistic) plots and endings.

7. That said, I haven’t seen a decent rom-com in years.

8. I read the synopsis of each week’s “Glee” episode on Wikipedia before deciding whether I want to watch it or not. I hate surprises!

9. I will, without compunction, read the last few chapters of a book before I decide to buy it.

10. If public floors weren’t so gross, I wouldn’t wear shoes. Ever.

11. I procrastinate horribly; I’ve written 12 pages in 10 hours (maybe fewer, I can’t quite remember), 30 pages in 26 hours, and 4 pages in an hour and a half. I got really good grades on every one of those papers, too.

12. Getting my PhD and teaching for a living doesn’t scare me until I think about it.

13. If you didn’t hunt, ride four-wheelers, or go to church every time the doors were open, you were persona non grata at my high school. I just couldn’t bring myself to care enough to try.

14. That might make me a snob, but it also got me the eff out of there.

15. I didn’t even know my hair was curly until college.

16. My first reaction to a strange, stressful situation is to sneeze. Three or four times in a row usually gives me sufficient time to think of something to say or do.

17. I’m basically my father in a female body; this worries me sometimes.

18. I’m a kick-ass tetris player until my brain overloads and starts processing the patterns too slowly.

19. Sometimes I wonder whether other people think my piercing is cute.

20. I draw temporary tattoos on myself with eyeliner and hairspray.

21. My mother and I are famously bad navigators separately, but we almost never get lost together.

22. I’ve thought about taking lessons to lower my speaking voice.

23. Sometimes I have trouble telling whether to push or pull a door; if the handle looks ambiguous, I check the hinges.

24. I will only get messy and dirty for a good cause—like hurricane cleanup.

25. The fact that “25 Things” comes before “9th Symphony” in my tags is profoundly annoying.

Mi Casa :)

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I am so effing excited, it’s unreal. I’m firmly ensconced in my own apartment! Not a dorm, not my parents’ house, not an “apartment-style” dorm, but an actual apartment! MAJOR EXCITEMENT!

I have almost nothing—literally—furniture-wise save a table and chairs. My couch is currently a pink bean bag, though I have this crazy plan to use a hammock with the stand eventually spray painted to match everything else. I think it’ll be really cute and will match the quirky-funky-girly vibe I’m going for.

Something like this, maybe? Image via target.com

Any-who…I’m in the mood to take the four people who read this—bless y’all—on a little tour, mostly looking at decorations, since there’s not much else in there at the moment!   ;)

*******

First stop: my steel-frame front door that slams shut if I don’t catch it quickly enough.

I totally cribbed this idea from "Friends." I like it too much to care.

This sucker makes sure I won't accidentally leave my keys when I leave for class.

*******

Next: Dining/Living Room. I have what might be loosely referred to as a “coat closet” in that corner, though the shelves in there means coats are sort of out of the question.

I don't really like the scarf, but I can't find the place mats I got to keep hot dishes from warping the finish.

I do have a coffee table, but it’s got electronics-type stuff on it, so I opted not to show it. Instead, we have my organic/forest-y themed living room, complete with adorable wall art!

These wall decs are so cute!

This painting (below) rocks my world. I get a weird Cezanne-Disney’s “Sleeping Beauty” vibe, and it sort of reminds me of some photos my friend Doug took near his apartment in AR. To the right is the Creaky Hallway of Doom, leading to undecorated rooms. To the left is my den (yep, I’m essentially getting a two-bedroom; I think I lose half a square foot from the second room).

This was actually the first piece I picked out!

*******

There’s not much to my den at the moment, save the bookcase that I assembled by myself—screws, cogs, and nails. I had to go buy a hammer to finish it! Pay no attention to the way the top half leans slightly. I make no pretensions about my total lack of expertise here.

Ta-da! I'm pretty sure the neighbors hated me that day.

*******

Finally: My adorable little kitchen. This was (and is, after I finished packing to go home) the only room that does not resemble a war zone. I got the nicer tile and counters; some other apartments have this weird melange of blues and grays that is actually rather depressing.

I seriously need to get a bigger dish drainer. Those are all clean dishes.

*******

I lied. Finally: my view!

A robin lives in that tree :)

House Rules, Pt 4

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481. Lucius Malfoy’s cane is not a “pimp cane.”

482. I must never sneak up behind Draco Malfoy and coo, “How’s my Blondie-Bear?”

483. Teaching first years to chorus in unison, “The amazing bouncing ferret!” whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is just wrong. Funny, but wrong.

487. I must not sell stories to Rita Skeeter.

489. A ferret is not a proper Christmas gift for Draco Malfoy.

490. Asking Mad-Eye Moody to turn Malfoy back into a ferret so I could keep him as a pet was not appropriate, either.

491. Giving Draco a bowl of ferret pellets with his dinner was not an act of kindness, nor was it funny.

493. No matter how creepy and abandoned some of the towers are, I will not find Johnny Depp with scissors for hands in any of them, and I should just stop hoping.

495. Repeat: Draco and Harry are not secret lovers. Draco and Harry are not secret lovers.

497. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to get a room every time they start fighting, even if they want to.

500. Draco Malfoy does not smell almost subliminally of summer peaches.

501. Bungee jumping off the astronomy tower is against the rules, even if it isn’t written anywhere.

502. Changing the location does not make it appropriate.

503. No matter how much money I make.

504. Murmuring “I see dead people!” every time I see one of the ghosts was never funny.

505. I am not funny. No matter how much I make myself laugh.

506. Even though Voldemort does give his followers rings, he is not Captain Planet and none of the Death Eaters have powers in wind, water, earth, fire,or heart.

507. Calling Lucius Malfoy a luscious mouthful is just plain gross.

508. Especially wrong when I call him that around Draco.

509. Or Narcissa.

510. Yelling”BOO! “at Professor Moody is not wise.

512. I am not allowed to use the superglue spell to stick Harry and Draco’s hands together.

513. When in the presence of the Dark Lord, I must call him The Dark Lord. Not “Snake-Face, the Dark Lord Happy Pants.”

514. Laughing at the Dark Lord’s voice is not smart.

515. Telling the Dark Lord where he can stick it is not smart.

516. No matter what I say to the Dark Lord, I will never make him laugh.

517. When surrounded by Death Eaters I will not brandish my wand like a sword and shout “Aye! Avast!”

518. Jumping up on a table during dinner and singing “La Vie Boheme” is more likely to confuse my enemies than chase them out of the Great Hall. Besides, I probably won’t have anyone else join in, which takes some of the fun out of it.

519. Attempting to sell my soul to the Dark Lord is forbidden.

520. So is selling anyone else’s soul.

521. Draco Malfoy’s name is not Westley, nor the Dread Pirate Roberts, and I should stop referring to him as such.

523. Even if he is willing to jump down a hill screaming “Aaas yoooou wiiiiisssshhhh!”

524. I am not allowed to tell the first years that Werewolves are cute and cuddly.

525. Especially when Lupin is teaching.

529. Saying the Dark Mark should be the Slytherin Crest is wrong.

530. Especially in front of Slytherins.

531. Especially in front of Snape.

534. I am not allowed to declare “Official Hug A Slytherin Day.”

535. There is no connection between Hitler and Voldemort.

536. I will not sing “Defying Gravity” during Quidditch practice.

537. I am not allowed to teach “I Feel Pretty” to Professor Lockhart.

538. I am not allowed to sing “Angel of Music” to all the mirrors in school to see if anyone sings back.

539. I am not allowed to say “Shiiire…Baaaagiiiins…” around dementors.

542.- I am not allowed to tell first years to be my fact-checkers.

546. Luna doesn’t like it when you place her sneakers on top of doorways; it’s not amusing anymore.

House Rules, Pt 3

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302. The house elves are not there to do my homework.

303. Neither are the ghosts.

304. I am not a magical creature.

305. I am not the reincarnation of Merlin.

306. I am not Voldemort’s illegitimate love child.

307. Professor Snape did not kill my father and does not deserve to die.

310. I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order “to see what happens.”

311. Grindewald is not my role model.

312. Neither is Voldemort.

313. I will not cast “Petrificus Totalus” on myself in order to avoid going to classes.

316. I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.

317. I will not accept anything edible from a Weasley.

319. I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other’s names.

320. I will not attempt to make Professor’s Trelawney’s predictions come true.

321. Professor Snape’s problem is not that “he needs to get laid”.

322. Draco Malfoy is not a ferret animagus.

325. Even if I myself to do not believe in it, I will respect that the school observes daylight savings time.

326. Providing Peeves with a case of dungbombs was a socially irresponsible action, and I will never do it again.

327. Shouting random Latin phrases while waving my wand is not acceptable charms research.

331. Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.

333. I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.

335. “OMGWTF” is not a spell.

337. Shouting “Accio Dobby!” is not the proper way to ask for house-elf assistance.

338. I will not go into Dumbledore’s pensieve looking for faculty smut.

339. It is not necessary for me to yell “BURN!” every time Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.

340. “Defying my will” is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban, and I should not tell that to the first-years.

341. The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is “pretty much forgivable.”

343. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintball.

344. I am not allowed to scare the first-years by screaming “I’m melting! I’m meeeeeeeeeeeltiiing!” while they are in the showers.

346. I am not allowed to leave the catnip out in Professor McGonagall’s class.

347. I will not speak to Professor Snape with a Transylvanian accent.

349. I will not give Professor McGonagall catnip, hairball medicine or string for Christmas, no matter how much I think she will like them.

352. I will not ask if Professor Lupin has had all his shots, such as rabies. Nor will I ask it of Professor McGonagall.

354. Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house, is forbidden.

356. I will not tell first years that the fried chicken is really Kentucky Fried Owl.

357. I will not get a muggle tattoo artist to tattoo the Dark Mark on any part of my body.

359. Singing “Wild Thing” whenever I see Professor Lupin is not allowed, even though he likes it.

360. I must stop telling first years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student.

361. I am not to “walk on water” in front of muggles.

362. I will not compel Seamus Finnegan to pursue people asking them for their Lucky Charms.

363. I am not to tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights of Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have my friends/other people to call “Ni!” from various directions.

366. Watching “The Food Network” is not equivalent to sitting NEWT-level Potions classes.

367. Pinning Confederate flags to the backs of Death Eater masks is not wise.

368. Voldemort does not wish to appear in a Visine commercial.

369. Or as the ‘before’ for a line of cosmetics.

370. Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore, “Avada Kedavra” does not fall under First Amendment freedom of speech rights.

371. The ceiling of the Great Hall would not look better as an Omni IMAX dome.

372. Calling Voldemort “Baldemort” is inappropriate.

373. When called upon in class, I shall not insist that the correct answer to everything is “42″.

375. Asking Professor Snape if a house ever fell on his sister is dumb.

376. So is asking him where he keeps his flying monkeys and if I could pet them.

377. Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka.

378. I am not a Heffalump animagus.

379. I cannot lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.

380. Mr. Weasley’s flying car is not to be taken apart piece by piece and rebuilt inside Snape’s classroom.

381. I cannot charm all dictionaries to have: “Gryffindor” as the definition of “gullible.”

382. Professor Snape’s proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles.

383. Robes are not optional.

384. Announcing “Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!” is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.

387. Leaving mash notes signed “Your secret admirer, Harry” in Neville Longbottom’s books is both unfunny and cruel.

391. Asking the Weasley twins, “So do you do everything together?” is ill advised.

392. Telling Lucius what he could do with his staff is not advisable.

394. Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served.

399. I am not a Balrog animagus.

400. The house never did fall on Professor Umbridge’s sister, nor is she suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result.

401. I may not try to find out if any of the owls are David Bowie in animagus form.

403. I will not offer Professor McGonagall lasagna.

405. I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room.

406. I will not poison first years. No matter how much I think they deserve it.

407. It is not appropriate trade first years between houses.

409. Frankenstein is not required reading for DADA classes.

410. Neither is Dracula.

411. I will not try to explain the laws of physics, not even for the sake of an argument.

412. If I even look like I might sing “I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves” I will be Obliviated.

413. Using the “Petrificus Totalus” curse on Draco Malfoy and dumping him in the Gryffindor common room as a Christmas present to the House means I should watch my back until June.

414. Especially if the Weasley twins were staying over break.

415. If Lee Jordan was there, too, I’m going to need a bodyguard.

417. I will not tell first years that “any true wizard or witch” can see Thestrals, and that if they can’t they “obviously aren’t cut out for this school.”

418. I am not to tell Muggleborn first-years that Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans taste better when one eats a whole handful at a time.

419. I will not take out a life insurance policy on any Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

420. I will not attempt to repel Dementors by covering myself in chocolate body paint.

422. I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him that they are real animals.

423. Likewise, I will not tell first year Muggle-borns that Pokemon battles are a part of the Care of Magical Creatures curriculum.

424. I am not qualified to perform exorcisms on Hogwarts ghosts, and attempting to do so will merely offend them.

426. Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of “Batman and Robin.”

427. Telling Draco Malfoy to “make like a ferret and bounce” is always a bad idea.

428. “The Crucible” is not summer reading for History of Magic, and I should not tell first years that it is.

429. “You might be a Pureblood if…” jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slytherins.

430. I will not play the Darth Vader theme for Professor Snape.

431. However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.

432. The bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove otherwise.

433. If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing “Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical”, I will do so under a nom-de-plume.

434. I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he does look good in tap shoes.

436. Transfiguring Draco Malfoy’s uniform into a gold thong is inappropriate.

437. Especially if he’s wearing it.

438. Crabbe and Goyle should not be referred to as “Bulk and Skull”.  “Dumb and Dumber” is equally inappropriate.

439. I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as “Team Rocket.”

440. Comparing Draco Malfoy to Alex Krycek, Lindsay McDonald, Lex Luthor or any similar character is not an appropriate subject for a Muggle Studies essay.

442. Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle’s first names are, respectively, Draco, Vincent and Gregory, not Larry, Darryl and Darryl.

445. The song “Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead” is never, ever appropriate.

446. “Springtime for Voldemort” is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

449. No matter how vast the uses and entertaining the results, I will not indulge in fun with duct tape.

450. This goes double for superglue.

451. I am not to dance naked in the great hall.

452. Or on the grounds.

453. Generally, dancing naked is not allowed.

454. Despite the appearances of the employees and the vaults, Gringotts is not the entrance to the Labyrinth.

455. While in the company of goblins, I must not demand that I be taken to Jareth.

456. Nor shall I tell them “You remind me of the babe.”

460. The Easter Bunny is not Jesus’ Animagus form.

461. I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, “If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?”

462. I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.

463. I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.

464. I will not write forged letters home to the parents of Muggleborn first years detailing the Satanic rituals they are learning.

465. I will not ask Dobby if he works for Santa Claus in the off-season.

469. I will no longer be permitted to refer to Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange as Riff Raff and Magenta.

470. Especially to their faces.

471. I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Lupin’s office door.

475. Sending love notes to Professor Snape and signing them “With Love, Draco Malfoy” is not appropriate.

476. Neither is signing them with: “I had a great time last night, XO–Argus Filch.”

477. Breaking into song during Potions class is not acceptable.

478. Especially if the song is “I Feel Pretty”

479. Or “I’m Too Sexy”

House Rules, Pt 2

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203. I do not have a Cyberman Patronus.

204. I am not a Wirn animagus.

205. I will not ask Aragog if he came from Metabelis III.

206. Or if he has any pretty blue crystals.

207. “Nessie is actually a cyborg created by the Zygons” is not an appropriate thing to say in Care of Magical Creatures Class.

208. While it is appropriate to refer to Voldemort as “Master” while in his service, Voldemort and The Master are not one and the same.

209. I cannot substitute Prydonian robes for my Hogwarts uniform.

211. I cannot attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.

212. Or transform a pepperpot into a Dalek.

213. Lucius Malfoy is not my “sugar daddy” and I will not claim he is.

214. That goes double when Draco Malfoy is within earshot.

215. A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle car (especially a Delorean DMC).

216. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is not an appropriate career choice.

217. I will not levitate anywhere in a big pink bubble.

218. My professors have neither the time nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills.

219. No part of the school uniform is edible.

223. I must not refer to Headmaster Dumbledore as “Mum”.

224. Nor Professor Snape.

225. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.

226. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Prefects.

227. I am not allowed to use silencing charms, period.

228. I will not prophesy the end of the world more than once.

229. I will not offer to sell Hagrid new creatures.

230. Especially not if I actually have them.

231. Madame Hooch’s name is just that: a name. I will not ask her to share.

233. I will not try to recreate the Whomping Willow in herbology class.

234. Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.

235. I will not charm Hermione’s time turner to rotate every half-hour.

236. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

237. I am not allowed to charm the words Ferret Boy onto Dracos forehead.

240. Singing “99 Bottles of Potion on the Wall” nonstop or repeatedly will result in a detention.

241. Playgirl and Playboy are not on the reading list for muggle studies.

242. Woad and other camoflage/body paints are not needed for DADA.

243. I may not challenge prefects to meet me on the Quidditch field at dawn.

244. I should not throw Fanged-Frisbees in the Great Hall.

246. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born, even if I have access to a time turner.

250. Teaching exchange students to taunt other Hufflepuffs is not nice.

251. When detained by dementors, I do not have a right to a strip search.

252. Do not dare first years to eat bugs. They will always do it.

256. I will not hand red shirts to the new DADA professor and claim that they’re the standard uniform for the position.

257. I will not use invisibility charms on anyone’s clothing.

258. I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan’s nose.

260. I will not test my Potions assigments by spiking Snape’s drink with them.

261.  Especially not all of them at once.

262. I will not try to hock my old piercings as “priceless Muggle artifacts.”

263. I will not claim that my X-Files tapes are “Auror Training Videos.”

265. The Giant Squid is not to be referred to as ‘my lord Cthulhu’, nor am I allowed to sacrifice first years to it on the new moon.

266. I will not attempt to set up a mobile phone mast on the Astronomy Tower.

267. Likewise, no satellite dish.

270. I will stop sending Professor Snape forged love notes that appear to be from Professor Lupin.

272. Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as “Galadriel.”

273. Lucius Malfoy also does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as “Haldir.”

274. Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as “Spock.”

275. I will stop substituting Professor Lupin’s Wolfsbane with Polyjuice Potion containing hairs from Mrs. Norris.

277. I am not to sing “We’re off to see the Wizard!” when sent to the Headmaster’s office.

278. I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as back-up singers.

279. Especially not with kazoos.

280. The research and manufacture of mind-altering substances will not gain me extra credit in Potions.

282. When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce “These are not the droids you are looking for.”

285. I am not a Vampire Slayer and Professor Lupin is not my Watcher.

286. I am not to attempt to stake Professor Snape.

289. Professor Flitwick is not to be referred to as the “Dungeon Master.”

290. I will not try to convert my housemates to Christianity.

291. Or Wicca.

292. This does not mean that my religious rights are being violated.

293. I am not allowed to hit Bludgers at spectators.

294. Or the referee.

295. I will not commit crimes and then say I was under the Imperius curse.

296. I will not insult people and then say I was given Veritaserum.

297. I will not give people Veritaserum.

298. The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smartasses and the Junior Death Eaters.

301. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.

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